you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
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