nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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