Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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