your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
