bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
