apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
porn star boner night. come get it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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