The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
