Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
