also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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