He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
