Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
