Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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