his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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