I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
