that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
