I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
