I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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