I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
