A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
