He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
