She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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