my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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