I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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