I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
