Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Randomize
