My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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