Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
