The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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