Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
