walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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