Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
