guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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