i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Barsexuality is the new black.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
