I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
