I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
