"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
