Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
