My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
NoShamevember. You game?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
