Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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