im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
