I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
