My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
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