I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
well you can't waste a boner
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
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