I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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