She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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