On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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