He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
