It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
