Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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