so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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