i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
